Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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