so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
