There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I can't turn off my feet"
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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