My underwear smells like fireworks.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
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