if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
