If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
