I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
