My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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