We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
