What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
