The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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