there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
So here I am, sexting at work.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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