I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
This toilet bowl is my home.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
