so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
