if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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