the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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