Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
