you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
where are you?
Hypothermia
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
