Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
