this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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