She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
