last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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