Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
