Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
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