Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
