there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
