Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
