you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My breasts were aching with rage.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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