It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
