Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
