Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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