i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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