I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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