i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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