I haven't been this sober since birth.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
