I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
this is an emotional support booty call
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
