My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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