Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
