We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
