i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
