Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
