I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I checked into jail on foursquare
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
