I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
