Pants 0. Shit 1.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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