I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
