I think I won the penis lottery.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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