Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
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