We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize
