She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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