I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I have already put on my inside pants.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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