I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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