$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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