Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
