yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
