i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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