I accidentally had phone sex last night
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
