I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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