I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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